Today I received a text from a good friend which read as follows: Random Question for the Day – If you’re in hell and someone pisses you off, where do you tell them to go? My first reaction, was oh sh*t, what have I done? Followed quickly by the recollection of her telling me recently that she had begun each day asking people a random question, with the simple hope of being entertained by creative responses due to the nature of the questions. So, in the hope of providing maximum entertainment to her well thought out question, I started thinking about where I would tell my arch nemesis to go if we were both in hell together.
Firstly, I tried to picture the subject of my planned fictitious torment. My mind drew a blank. I’m lucky enough to say that there’s no one I would wish anything truly evil on, having always lived by the philosophy that if someone is a negative influence on your life, then remove them. Not in the hire an assassin/late night alleyway/exchange of paper bags filled with money kind of way. Just, you know, distance yourself from them before they can do any real damage. Result: sunshine and rainbows!
So, that was the unfortunate beginning to my life as a misery inflicting tormenter. In an endeavour to create an evil fiend worthy of such disdain, I tried to imagine why said fiend would be in hell in the first place. What gets you to hell these days? I’m guessing the ol’ lying, cheating, stealing, not being good to thy neighbour rules still apply in this century, yes? So far, I think I have just sent every interesting person on Earth to hell. Doesn’t seem so bad. Okay, so maybe the puppy haters will narrow it down a bit. Yeah, that’s more like it, you monsters! What about a puppy hating, brussel sprout eating (I don’t care how good they are for you), planet polluting, illiterate half wit? Voila, one evil fiend ready to go.
So here we are, me and my evil fiend, hanging out in hell, and he happens to piss me off…he is evil after all. I can’t say “go to hell”, for obvious reasons, which brings me back to the primary purpose of this rambling: what contemptible, but witty, response do I give him? Now, I’ve thought about this a great deal since receiving that text earlier today, and I’ve come to the conclusion that no words in this reality could probably do the puppy hating, brussel sprout eating (again, I don’t care how good they are for you), planet polluting, illiterate half wit any real justice or the harm that he deserves. Maybe I’m just too nice to think up an appropriate quip to measure up to his dark demonic ways. Maybe I need to read some more in the way of crime and horror stories. Maybe I am just smart enough to realise that being a jerk was probably what got him there in the first place, and in assuming hell is a pretty big place with all the sinners up here, I could probably stick with my current passive aggressive tendencies and just find some other hot flaming corner to hang out in.
I could impale him with a hot burning rod of fire screaming “die, jerk, die!” and see what he has to say about that? I didn’t, after all, have to account for my own presence in hell…